I am a selfish person.
Yes. I said it.
I don’t know exactly how or why this occurred, but I know I’m not happy with it. Allow me to explain.
Last night as I was laying next to my fiance, we were having a minor argument/discussion about the time we spend together. I was complaining that we don’t spend enough time together, to which he responded with that we do, but I always want more. I didn’t believe him. He came back at me with, “I’m always trying to make you happy but it seems like I can’t ever meet your expectations and it’s frustrating.” Again, I didn’t really think about what he was saying. I then told him that it’s not like I’ve changed as a person, and he said, “No. You have changed as a person.”
So we sat in silence for a little bit. He passed out and I was left to my own devices. I started reflecting on my relationships over the past few months and went back even as far as a year. I examined my relationship with him, my mother and my sister. And I realized something.
He was fucking right. As much as I HATED to admit it, he was right.
I can’t exactly pinpoint the event that made me become this way, I just know that I don’t like what it’s done to me. I have been selfish to the point of it being exhausting, exhausting enough to cause unnecessary problems in my relationships with everyone. I could defend myself until the cows came home, but there really isn’t any justification for the person I let myself morph in to. Instead of thinking of what I can give to the people in my relationships, I focused on what I could take. That’s not fair. I continued on by allowing myself to have expectations of people, but they weren’t allowed to have any of me, which also isn’t fair. I think it came down to a combination of me trying to prove to everyone that I couldn’t be walked all over and trying to prove I didn’t need anyone. I inadvertently then pushed people away.
On this day, October 10, 2013, I’ve decided that I need to become a better person and cast away the demons I have let myself create. I had a dream last night that I literally had to fight the devil (Yes, I know that sounds weird). And I woke up before I ever found out if I won the battle. I think that’s symbolic in the sense that I will always have some fight inside of me raging on, but the fact that I’m fighting it proves I can keep evil at bay. I’m at a point in my life where I really, REALLY need to move forward and not look back. I don’t have to forget the past, but I can’t let it affect me any longer. I know somewhere along the line I would like to have children and if I want to raise them correctly, I have to change how I act. I can’t expect them to not vibe off of my attitude or my demons. So I need to learn to battle them now. I’m going to start out by trying to do something nice for a person every single day. I’m going to actively engage all of my customers at work and make an effort to learn more about them. I’m going to give of myself more instead of take from others.
I don’t think they have “Selfish Bitch Therapy,” so I am going to have to take this day by day, and change a little bit each day to become the person that I used to be.
Yesterday I said there was nothing quite like change. There isn’t. And it’s time I made a change into a better person. It certainly isn’t a battle between heaven and hell, but it’s a battle worth fighting.