Some people are lost and some people are found.
How do you determine which of the two you are?
Being alone has its advantages: you don’t have to answer to anyone, you aren’t held back and you can be who you want to be.
But being alone isn’t exactly everything it’s cracked up to be.
Here I am, 21 years old, set to graduate in May, and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. It makes me feel more alone than I have ever been in my entire life. I should be reveling in all of the possibilities that are awaiting me.
The truth is I’m more lost now than I was when I started this whole college experience.
When I graduated high school, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. I basically went to college because I knew I had to if I ever wanted to make something of myself when I was an adult. I sat at my high school graduation and while mostly everyone else was set on where they were going, I just wanted to run away. It got worse when my best friend died that summer because at that point I didn’t want to do anything.
So that fall, I started out my freshmen year at Penn State University, with no idea where I wanted to go or who I wanted to be. I aimlessly went to my classes day after day and I found a new set of friends, but nonetheless I still felt lost. I dated here and there, but it never worked out. I guess the reasoning behind it was because I was the type of girl a guy would marry, not the type he’d have a fling with.
I thought it would get easier when I became a sophomore because I knew I would be forced to pick a major, which would force me to pick a life course. I declared a journalism major because I knew I liked to write and take photographs. It didn’t get any easier because while I knew I excelled in those areas, I also felt like I couldn’t escape my choice. Dating was on the decline for me because at that point in my life, every guy just wanted sex and I wouldn’t give that to them. I stopped, because it wasn’t worth getting hurt over and over again for something I wasn’t willing to give.
Low and behold I started my junior year, which brought a new town and a new set of people. I felt even more alone than I had up to that point. Despite spending my childhood at home complaining about how I hated it, the truth is, being away from home made me feel worse. In the spring semester of that year, I did have fun. I hung out with my friends and I partied a lot. The alcohol just masked the feeling of being alone.
This has all brought me to my final semester at PSU.
Where do I go from here?
I’m not dating, but I’m interested in someone. I’m scared though, because I’m not good at it. I’m clumsy. I fumble over my words. I don’t say what I want to say because I’m afraid to. I don’t want to be left alone like I have been by guys. I don’t know where I want to be, but it’s not State College. I feel a certain emptiness when I’m there.
So with all that in my mind, there’s one question left:
How do I become Found?
I guess I have four months to figure it all out.