Life Lessons, Women

Broken Monsters

What are you thankful for this holiday season?

I’m thankful for my broken family and friends.

A broken family, what an idea.

Everyone has a father; that male person that made you who you are today.  Everyone has a mother; that female person that gave us life.

So what happens when we don’t have one of those parents, or don’t have a family?

A family is many things nowadays; single parents are becoming more popular than ever.  I’m a product of a single parent.  I don’t take it for granted either.

My dad abandoned me when I was roughly 13 years old.  However, he has been in and out of jail since I was eight.  He is a crack/cocaine addict.   With that being said, I know that having one parent is hard and sometimes even damaging, but know that it is possible to survive, even if you’re in my position and you’re abandoned by choice.

When I was in high school, I put on a happy face; pretended nothing bothered me and ate myself into silence (literally, because I gained a lot of weight in high school).  I didn’t want anyone to know. I felt ashamed.  I had been friends with this girl named Kimmy, and she helped me through my problems.  I thought I could get through it all if she could guide me…..

That was until July 13, 2007, when she died in a fire.

For the past three years I’ve been walking a fine line; the line between how I feel and how I’m forcing myself to feel.

I thought I’d buried my dad behind me; thought I had buried the pain of her death behind me.

Until tonight.

I realized being in a situation like mine leaves you with more questions than answers.   My dad left me by choice, his choice to be exact.  So the lingering question is: Why wasn’t I enough for him to stay?

I guess Kimmy helped me see through that; helped me realize it wasn’t my fault.  But without her, the abandonment has just gotten more complicated, and it’s transferred over into my life as a whole.  I wonder why he left and why he decided he wasn’t happy.  I wonder what I could have done differently.  I wonder why I’m never enough, and why I never will be for him, and, as of late, any guy I’m ever interested in.  I’m not good at dating and chances are I never will be.

So tonight, I left a crowded bar.  I was pretty content before I left, but deep inside of me a hole ripped open and I couldn’t have stopped it if I tried.  Something escaped that hole and stood beside me.

There it was, staring at me, the monster: the one that said, “You’re not going to be good enough, so why even bother?  It’s always been this way.  Just accept it.”

So, now the question is, “Is the monster right?”

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